A SEXUAL HEALTH EXAM: ARE YOU ABLE TO RETAIN SELF-RESPONSIBILITY AND RESPONSIBILITY FOR OTHERS?

“I hate that she has to undress me. I can’t undress myself anymore,” reported the husband experiencing multiple sclerosis. “Mhink that’s the worst part of this whole thing. I know that doesn’t make much sense, but I feel like a child being undressed and dressed.”

PARAPLEGIC HUSBAND

All disease requires some sacrifice of autonomy as much as it requires self-responsibility for healing. We all have to turn to someone for help, support, covering for us at work, bringing the chicken soup, pushing the wheelchair in some hard-to-go places, holding the door while we struggle with a cane or crutch. Disease reminds us firmly that we all belong together, and healing depends on acting as if we really believe that.

“Is it that you are being undressed or that you can’t undress your wife, too, that really seems to bother you the most?” was my question to this husband.

“Well, she undresses herself, and I watch her, but when she turns to me and has to do me, too, that’s what gets me,” he answered.

“I have two suggestions, and they both may seem crazy,” I answered. “First, why take your clothes off every time anyway? Dress in clothing sometimes that is comfortable and allows for stimulation you enjoy. Maybe some clothing might even feel good to you. Ask your wife to do the same. Some couples wear jogging suits of a material they like and they don’t wear any underwear. Then, when you feel like sex, no dressing or undressing may be necessary. Second, maybe you have failed to change your sexual pattern to adjust to this disease experience. Making love at the end of the day with your wife getting you undressed was an old pattern. Disease requires change. In fact, some philosophers suggest that this is the purpose of disease, to cause change and growth in the long term. I know it doesn’t matter much in the short term that all disease leads to overall change, but your sex life must reflect this fact. If you are undressed at night, then sleep naked and have s in the morning when no dressing or undressing is necessary. And, remember, you spent much of courtship undressing her. Mayi this disease can cause some role reversal you might enjoy once you get used to it.”

“All of those ideas are crazy but one,” he answered. “I never thought of staying dressed for sex. I guess that could work out, think we’ll try it. Maybe I’ll market these things. Instead of jogging suits, we’ll start a new yuppie fad. Sex suits. It might feel neat.’

The process of reconsideration of the relationship between sexuality and illness starts in just this simple fashion. Talking, sharing modifying, being creative, and designing and redesigning your sexual patterns is part of the healing process.

Since all disease happens within a system, it is important to look at the responsibility issue from the perspective of both partners.’ don’t know what he’s talking about,” said the wife of the man in the example above. “I love undressing him. I just wish he would make more of an effort to solve our problems instead of surrendering of deferring to me. It’s not the undressing part that makes him seem childish, it’s his attitude. I married him for his brains, not hi wardrobe-changing skills.”

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